December 1, 2020 at 1:24 pm #13405
Welcome to a place to discuss the loss of a partner, family member, close friend or anyone significant in your life.
Everyone grieves differently. Your grief is as unique as your own fingerprint. However, while often immensely painful, grief is our natural healing process in response to loss.
Grief comes and goes, it can be intense and then manageable, predictable and then uncontrollable. It might be brought on by a recent loss or a historical one, be triggered by an anniversary or the dread of an approaching milestone.
This forum is a safe and emotionally supportive space. It is a place to be accepted and understood by others who can empathise with you. You can feel free to remember your loved one and tell us about your grief journey. Together we can learn to understand the changing nature of grief over time while sharing coping tools and ways to practice self-care.
September 3, 2021 at 5:07 pm #16215
Dear @Ambert143, a warm welcome to the forums. We’re so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. Losing someone you love at such a young age and so unexpectedly can feel incomprehensible as well as devastating.
In this confusing time, it can be helpful to understand better what we’re going through. Our “Experiences of Grief” article on our resource hub says “when we have unexpectedly experienced grief or loss, our feelings or thoughts are linked to the unforeseen nature of the loss. It may feel like you are on a roller coaster ride. Shock, feeling numb, overwhelm and not knowing what to do are common and normal responses to a loss that was not anticipated. You may also find yourself very distressed, crying uncontrollably, unable to sleep, sleeping poorly or sleeping more than you would normally. Again, these responses are a very human and normal response to an unexpected grief and loss experience.”
Does that sound familiar to you?
The article goes on to talk about the importance of social support during this very difficult time. Talking to someone you trust can help ease the intensity of your emotions. Remember to treat yourself with kindness and compassion too. Ask people to help with practical things and tap into all the resources that are available to you like the Griefline Helpline (ring 1300 845 745).
@Ambert143, all relationships go through rocky times, despite this, he was your ‘soulmate’ and as the saying goes ‘Grief is a measure of our love’. So while it’s not going to be easy, hold on to hope and the support of others. You will get through this 💖 Keep in touch with us and let us know how you’re going – you are not alone in this grief journey. We are here for you. 🌸August 31, 2021 at 12:54 pm #16157Ambert143Participant
My name is Amber I recently lost my ex boyfriend via cardiac arrest I’m having a really hard time dealing with this we was broken up and the time but was trying to work things out he was my soul mate and my true love 29 and his heart gave up 😭 I’m truly brokenAugust 15, 2021 at 3:36 pm #16102
[email protected], welcome to the forums and our hearts are with you at this devastating time. What you are going through is a form of grief known as anticipatory grief. As you say it is an incredibly rough process to go through. Calling on you to muster up all your strength to be supportive of your boyfriend and treasure the moments you have together. And yet at the same time being weighed down by feelings of anxiety and dread. Anticipatory grief can bring up all the emotions of post-loss grief as well as the fatigue and stress that comes with caring for a loved one in this situation.
It’s important for you to look after yourself at this time. Practice self-care and treat yourself with kindness. Social support is a key self-care strategy that’s why we’re so happy you’ve reached out here – talking to others with a shared experience and knowing that you are not alone can be really helpful. We hope that you also have friends and/or family to talk to?
You might also like to take a look at our self-care tools here on our mindfulness page. In particular, journaling might be therapeutic in your situation… putting down your feelings on paper and tracking your grief response day by day will help to focus on your own journey. Because in situations like this we often get swallowed up by our loved one’s experience and forget that we too are facing something extraordinarily challenging.
We hope that there are others on the forums who can share their similar experience and perhaps the ways that they’ve managed to get through…
Let us know how you’re going @sar-kat. We are here for you. 🌸August 13, 2021 at 3:59 pm #16096sar_katParticipant
I’m currently going through a really rough time. My boyfriend who is 23 was diagnosed with a rare cancer. He went through 3 lines of treatment and is now told there is nothing more they can do for him. I don’t really know how to cope or process this. I feel like I’m mourning someone who hasn’t died yet. I don’t know how much longer he has and I’m trying to treasure every moment I have left. And I know people say take it day by day but that’s really hard when you have planned this future that you’ll never get. I just want to connect with other people who have experienced something similar.June 28, 2021 at 11:21 am #15727ILLAParticipant
Thankyou Jan for your reflected wisdom. I am going through an intense time where I am experiencing the resurgence of grief. I lost my soul mate partner of 22 years in 2018. I feel that I’m only now experiencing the permancy of that loss. I have a number of tried and true tools to use when I feel the intense loneliness, and that out of sync with the rest of the world feelings.
But I feel stale. Heightened by moving interstate and having to start again in so many ways. Retirement also creates so much time!
I feel I’m in between. Posting helps me process. And reading your post tells me I’m not alone! Thankyou.June 21, 2021 at 9:59 pm #15687
Dear @Nessa, welcome to the forums. Our hearts go out to you – it’s clear that the loss of your beloved husband has been utterly devastating for you. You are in the clutches of active grief right now which can be so debilitating and seemingly insurmountable. Think of yourself in an ocean of grief – the waves crashing over you. They are so huge and coming so fast that you just barely manage to catch a breath before the next one comes. Perhaps you are fighting so hard to swim against it or beyond it that you are exhausting yourself… But when the ocean is this rough sometimes the safest thing to do is just focus on breathing. Be gentle on yourself…give yourself permission to stay in bed if that’s the safest place to be; cry as long and hard and often as you need to; allow yourself a reprieve from having to ‘move on’; and maybe even put down the self-care tools for a moment if all that busyness is leaving you depleted.
You say you feel as though you are letting your daughters down. Perhaps allow yourself to consider Bettelheim’s ‘good enough parent’ concept… which suggests that good enough parents are the best parents. They know the parent-child relationship goes both ways… It is a relationship between equals in the sense that the two parties are equally important, equally deserving of empathy, comfort, patience and happiness. It’s your turn now – let yourself lean on your girls if their support helps you through the days.
@Ness please keep reaching out to us here. Expressing yourself in this way can help to make sense of it all. Know that there are others here on the forums who also feel alone and isolated in their grief. We’re here for you. 🌸June 18, 2021 at 6:05 pm #15680NessaParticipant
Thank you for your message but I am so lost nothing seems to help. I feel like I am in such a dark place and I can’t see it getting any better. I miss my husband so much. Today I feel like I can’t breathe. I can’t eat. I can’t do anything. When does it get any easier because it’s not. I cannot seem to come to terms with him not coming home. I still expect him to walk in the door. I feel wretched and feel like I am letting my daughters down as well as my husband. He would not want me to be this sad. But we were so close. He was my world. I feel like I cannot function without him. How do I get out of bed each day cause I don’t even want to wake up. How do I keep doing this day after day after day?June 18, 2021 at 11:52 am #15646mdr1969Participant
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and hear and feel you. Please reach out to talk if you feel you need someone to talk to.
The absolute shock of losing your husband the way you have must be so difficult for you to deal with. You really show such great inner strength and are trying so very hard to cope the best ways you can on a day to day basis.
I lost my partner suddenly some years ago. He died in a motorcycle accident and when I received that call it felt like my world had ended. The first few days and weeks I had a great deal of inner circle support but slowly I felt like I was oversharing and pushing away those close to me with my sadness.
I delved into work and tried to occupy my time and all of sudden fell in a heap and could not function.
I reached out for external support from a psychologist and although it took some time began to deal with my grief. I no longer set my watch on other peoples time lines. If I needed to cry, I cried. If I needed to just sit with my grief I did. I remember days when I just did not move and stayed in bed for the day and just watched tv. I had endless showers where an infinite torrent of tears were shed. I really began looking at me and how I needed to deal with my grief and less about what others think or believed I should do. After all this was my grief and my grief alone and none else was could really understand the depth of how I was feeling.
Just in regards to you moving right now, take your time to make such huge decisions. These decisions eventually will be made when you are ready to make them and please follow your gut instinct.
You are an amazing woman and I have to take my hat off to you. Please know that you are supported.June 14, 2021 at 7:50 pm #15553ChellieParticipant
I lost my husband towards the end of last year. It was extremely sudden. One day he went to work, had a massive stroke and never came home.
I remain devastated. We were extremely close. We were together for approximately thirty years. We raised two children together and now was supposed to be our time.
The last two weeks have seen me at my absolute lowest. So low that I don’t want to see if there is any lower. I feel lost and alone. I am overwhelmed with sadness for both myself and my husband. I still expect to see or hear him walk through the door.
I rely heavily on my young adult children but also thought I could rely on friends. But nobody seems to get it. The ones that I thought would are the ones that think I should be just keeping busy, going back to work, moving on. My biggest accomplishment at the moment is getting up each morning. How do I ‘move on’ when I feel so empty and lost, when I can’t get through a day with out breaking down in sobs.
Friends tell me that I will have to leave the small town in which I met my husband, we married, bought a house, raised our children and lived happily for the time that we have been together. So then, not only will I still be feeling lost and alone but I will also not feel like I belong and I will not have so many lovely (and not so lovely) memories all around me. Everything that we worked so hard for is here in front of me. I feel I have already lost so much, my future, a relationship that I felt could survive anything and also my career (as I have been unable to head back to work as yet). If I were to move away from our home for the last three decades truly leaves me with very little to grasp onto other than the precious memories.
I try everything to help me through this difficult time. I keep myself extremely busy. So busy I can’t sit still. I have learnt to meditate, practise mindfulness, journal, walk, listen to music (loudly), garden, honour my husband in ways that many wouldn’t understand, see a psychologist regularly but still the grief overwhelms me. My husband was my hero, he was my sounding board, he was my best friend. I am frightened of how much his loss has truly effected me and how I continue to live a life without him. At the moment I cannot see any happiness without him here to share it with.June 7, 2021 at 8:29 am #15538
Dear @Trish, welcome to the Forums ❤️ Our hearts go out to you for the loss of your dear husband and the struggle you’re going through in your grief journey.
You mention that you have been inwardly struggling and it makes us wonder if you have allowed yourself to outwardly show the extent of your anguish. Many of us keep our grief shut away or tempered, forcing us to shoulder the burden alone, even though there are people around us who would gladly take on some of the load if there was a way to do so.
Here is an excerpt from the ‘Coping with Grief’ article on our Resource Hub…perhaps there is something in this that you find helpful;
“Often, when consumed by grief, we turn away from the one thing that might help us most…other people. We might feel that no one understands us, we have to do this on our own, or that we’re a burden to others…. [but] the benefits of sharing our pain with others almost always override the drawbacks.
Here are some tips to seek comfort and help from others;
• Reach out to family, friends…. but permit yourself to retreat when you need to be alone.
• Take the initiative to reach out to new people who have experienced a similar loss – they might be from social groups, sporting clubs, church groups, in the workplace or internet forums…
• Force yourself to be around people and do things – even when it feels too hard. Try to have at least one thing in your calendar every day, along with a back-up.
• Allow yourself to grieve in public – it’s perfectly ok to have a cry.
• Share your story of loss. Go ahead and tell anyone who will listen about your loved one and your relationship even if they don’t have the words to respond.
You can read the rest of the article here
You might also find some peace during the very challenging times in the middle of the night by turning to meditation…here is a link to an audio recording on our Resource Hub. It was chosen especially by Psychologists at Smiling Minds.
This page also includes tips on breathing which may be helpful.
@Trish by posting on the forum you’ve shown great courage in the face of such adversity. We hope that you continue to post and that we can support you in your grief journey 🌸
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