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How to navigate Early Grief, Lost my 6 year old daughter 3 weeks ago.

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Home Forums Loss of a loved one How to navigate Early Grief, Lost my 6 year old daughter 3 weeks ago.

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  • #20342
    grievingmum
    Participant

    My 6 year old daughter had been undergoing chemotherapy for the last 2 years and 4 months for B-ALL at QCH in Brisbane. We were 3 weeks out from ringing the bell, when we discovered she had relapsed. Even though we were devastated at having to return to living at hospital for treatment, there were still many options available to us, our oncologist was optimistic. We were in re-induction preparing for immunotherapy and a BMT, when she suddenly died of a a fungal infection in her brain. It was growing there, as a runny nose, up her sinuses to her brain. 3 days after her 6th birthday she died in ICU. We were in the safest ward, in the safest room. How does this happen? She went from physically strong and well to dead so quickly. How?
    How can I be holding a joyful alive vibrant child one minute, and have nothing but ash the next? How can I be still alive when she is not? It’s wrong. It’s all wrong.
    It’s been 21 days tomorrow morning at 7:30am, since she died. It’s early days yet, but I can’t see the point in anything.
    I can’t see a future where there is any joy. I have 2 other children, her brothers, 9 & 11. Which people are reminding me all the time, as if I’ve forgotten. And I’m sad for them as well, our happy family is shattered.

Viewing 10 replies - 21 through 30 (of 40 total)
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  • #20857
    childatheart
    Participant

    I am sorry that I appear to have upset you grievingmum, but with all due respect, it has not been an easy thing to lose my parents. I understand that she was so young and she should have had a long life ahead, but while you say that you didn’t get to see her do things such as graduate and I understand how saddening that is.. I will never get to have my dad walk me down the aisle or have my first dance with him. They won’t even get to meet my future partner or their grandkids (which is the same yes of course, for you). Please understand that I meant no harm in my response and was only trying to offer my own thoughts which you don’t have to take as I was merely trying to reach out on a commonality that we share of losing not just somebody close to us, but a family member.

    Take care of yourself.

    #20858
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi grievingmum, I literally just posted about the anger I’m feeling losing my son. I’m certain you can relate to many of my words, as I can to yours.
    We have both watched our children suffer treatment, have hope, then suddenly taken. This clip sums up how I often feel xx

    #20859
    grievingmum
    Participant

    You have not upset me, losing my child has upset me. I hope that someday, you may walk down that aisle, and maybe, one day hold your own child. There is a difference in the love a mother has for her child. That in no way minimises the many ways and connections of love we have in this world.

    My husband and I would have gladly laid down our lives so she could live. My parents would have happily done the same. But it is not our choice.

    You have lost. I’m in no way, minimising your pain. But losing a child is a different pain. Her future, is gone. Her promise, unfulfilled. We will all of us suffer loss, that’s the cost of living. But this particular loss, is heavier.

    take care of yourself as well.

    #20868
    debsayge
    Participant

    Dearest grieving Mumma,
    I felt compelled to place my hand over my heart to applaud you for your ability to respond with such raw honesty….it’s just astounding how our absolute love for our children can give us this ability !!a testament of your deepest love which I say yes! this is a mothers love for her child, nothing comes close, nothing compares ….
    You have been honest without judgement, a reminder of what all of us here with you want! to be heard to be held to be seen….feeling as you do I echo it’s really tragic we need to defend our position….recently I had felt the need to send txts to a few who bothered to remember my b/day….I said thank you for keeping us close I’ve had to endure my b/day and it’s been extremely painful like every aspect of everything now !! Happy is not a word I can cope with now I really wish people could get that!!! And just come along side without shaming me into a place I just can’t be now, I know it’s unintentional but I also know it’s thoughtless speak….so of course I didn’t get responses….
    So grieving Mumma I am here just to hold you, see you….in our unbearable pain honouring yours, keep talking I have deep respect for your feelings
    Thankyou
    XxDeb

    #20883
    grievingmum
    Participant

    Thank you Deb.. you are right. “Endure”. That’s it. It’s the best, the very best, we can hope for. Survive. I understand exactly what you are saying. The grief, the pain, is so deep, so raw. Any platitudes, no matter how well meant, are not what’s needed. As you said, just to be heard. Witness our pain. Allow us the depth of hurt.

    In the future (I can’t imagine it now) there may be joy, but that will come hand in hand with pain & sadness. I’m realising I will never feel complete happiness ever again. We are biologically designed to nurture and protect our babies.. when the unthinkable happens, it’s the cruelest joke that we have to continue living when they will not.

    My friend, herself a bereaved mother, explains it as everyone is a planet orbiting the sun.. and a comet has come and knocked our planet from it’s trajectory. Now we are hurdling through space, while everyone else continues with their set plan. To us, nothing will be the same. We cannot pretend any different.

    I’m glad you are saying your truth, and there will be people who allow you to be honest. You are right, and entitled to your pain.

    #20929
    Moon
    Participant

    by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore
    I am a mother. I am a bereaved mother. My child died, and this is my reluctant path. It is not a path of my choice, but it is a path I must walk mindfully and with intention. It is a journey through the darkest night of my soul and it will take time to wind through the places that scare me.
    Every cell in my body aches and longs to be with my beloved child. On days when grief is loud, I may be impatient, distracted, frustrated, and unfocused. I may get angry more easily, or I may seem hopeless. I will shed many, many, many tears. I won’t smile as often as my old self. Smiling hurts now. Most everything hurts some days, even breathing.
    But please, just sit beside me.
    Say nothing.
    Do not offer a cure.
    Or a pill, or a word, or a potion.
    Witness my suffering and don’t turn away from me.
    Please be gentle with me.
    And I will try to be gentle with me too.
    I will not ever “get over” my child’s death so please don’t urge me down that path.
    Even on days when grief is quiescent, when it isn’t standing loudly in the foreground, even on days when I am even able to smile again, the pain is just beneath the surface.
    There are days when I still feel paralyzed. My chest feels the sinking weight of my child’s absence and, sometimes, I feel as if I will explode from the grief.
    Losing my child affects me in so many ways: as a woman, a mother, a human being. It affects every aspect of me: spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are days when I barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
    Grief is as personal to me as my fingerprint. Don’t tell me how I should or shouldn’t be grieving or that I should or shouldn’t “feel better by now.” Don’t tell me what’s right or wrong. I’m doing it my way, in my time. If I am to survive this, I must do what is best for me.
    My understanding of life will change and a different meaning of life will slowly evolve. What I knew to be true or absolute or real or fair about the world has been challenged so I’m finding my way, moment-to-moment in this new place. Things that once seemed important to me are barely thoughts any longer. I notice life’s suffering more- hungry children, the homeless and the destitute, a mother’s harsh voice toward her young child- or an elderly person struggling with the door. There are so many things about the world which I now struggle to understand: Why do children die? There are some questions, I’ve learned, which are simply unanswerable.
    So please don’t tell me that “ God has a plan ” for me. This, my friend, is between me and my God. Those platitudes slip far too easily from the mouths of those who tuck their own child into a safe, warm bed at night: Can you begin to imagine your own child, flesh of your flesh, lying lifeless in a casket, when “goodbye” means you’ll never see them on this Earth again? Grieving mothers- and fathers- and grandparents- and siblings won’t wake up one day with everything ’okay’ and life back to normal. I have a new normal now.
    As time passes, I may gain gifts, and treasures, and insights but anything gained was too high a cost when compared to what was lost. Perhaps, one day, when I am very, very old, I will say that time has truly helped to heal my broken heart. But always remember that not a second of any minute of any hour of any day passes when I am not aware of the presence of my child’s absence, no matter how many years lurk over my shoulder, don’t forget that I have another one, another child, whose absence, like the sky, is spread over everything as C.S. Lewis said.
    My child may have died; but my love – and my motherhood – never will.

    #21103
    debsayge
    Participant

    Hello dear grieving Mumma,
    Thank you so much for your wise words. I’m just so terribly broken and finding it so impossible, yes hurtling through space! I’m so glad you’ve another Mumma who can be with you, who can offer you some comfort to bare this unbelievable horror…I find I’m incapable of sharing still, I’ve had too much lack of understanding around me and I think it’s made me more shut off from people….you have 2 boys and hubby I’ve 1 boy and hubby, I’m finding them just being sort of normal and I’m the only one here that’s really emotional and so struggling, that’s a really lonely place to be….I’ve had such a loving caring bond with my children, we’ve never been apart (home Ed) Sayge my daughter sure 19 (just) but a little girl at heart so full of joy always!making gifts for special occasions or outside on our small farm caring for all our many animals she and her brother love so much and not into the trappings of the world, so so close my best friend…my dearest companion.like you I can’t even comprehend this, can’t imagine how to survive…every morning I wake in tears, every night impossible to sleep without holding her, rocking her like every day we did saying nigh night sleep with all my love sweetheart…my whole existance was about my children, who are we without our beautiful daughters, our future, all that we were to share, impossible pain my friend…
    I have only dysfunction in our families so no support there, friends come n go back to their normal, really no one I think this makes it harder, praying for another family (bereaved) that may just want to be with us….
    Love to you for enduring another day sweet Mumma
    XxDeb

    #21106
    grievingmum
    Participant

    Moon, that is beautiful, I’m reading her book right now. She really ‘gets it’, and says it so beautifully.

    Deb, I can hear your raw pain and anguish in your words, and I feel that too.
    I am a hollow shadow of a person, a ghost as much as my daughter. But, seemingly my husband and boys are doing fine. I know they are sad, but they are getting on with life. I’m just incapable of it. They go to school & work, they bush walk and go to the beach on weekends, see friends. He suggested we take her car seat out of my car so we’d have more room. How can he even think it? How?
    I wear my pajamas and cry in her room, holding stuffed animals and old clothes. But I can’t make myself be any different. And I think that’s okay right now.
    My friends don’t understand, how could they? They are always there to try though, which means so much. But really I’m alone. Alone in this deep grief. This world ending grief.
    Your daughter Sayge sounds lovely, I can hear how much you love her. My daughter, Scout, used to always rush out to help me fold the laundry (never ending), she was helpful and full of love. She was always drawing colourful pictures, and notes to me, I’m still finding them around the house in drawers and notebooks. She’d whisper in my ear at night “You are my favourite person.. I love Daddy too, but you are my favourite.” and she is mine too. My most favourite person. That’s who I lost. It doesn’t make sense, and I can never ever be alright with it.
    I feel like wherever she is, I should be with her. A mother should be with her child.

    #21109
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi grievingmum, I didn’t know there was a book, I just found that poem here on the forum, I’ll have to get it.
    I think we are all very much alone in our grief no matter how strong family ties and friendships, and everyone deals differently.
    This week has been especially hard for me, so I’m kinda thankful I live alone. I’m too fragile to be around others xxx

    #21239
    debsayge
    Participant

    Dearest grieving Mumma,
    I’ve been feeling the need to reach out just to check in with you….as you know even visiting these posts is just too confronting, the need to be here as these saddest, angry Mumma’s now…..I looked at your darling scout and she’d many tears with you…..everyday I wake in the most horrible disbelief, and go around crying this just can’t be real….
    The aching for my girl just churns my whole being, I’m just outside with my archer all day ( I don’t know if you know we home Ed since the beginning)…..
    I feel deeply every anguished word you speak, deeply honouring our pain….
    I’m finding the difference between my partner and I really crushing, that he does not understand and gets sort of panicky with me also the lack of any understanding around me has really been so damaging to my self worth …..so thank you for your words of encouragement as I’m still yet to find anyone who is allowing me…..
    So I wanted to mention I’ve also decided to get Joanne’s book, and have you watched any of her you tube talks? I did and found her words spoke to me deeply, we are by feeling it all right, by staying in our horrific pain ….doing as devoted Mummas do following our hearts….thank you also! for speaking your truth it’s helped me immensely and everyone here, you are a raw beauty…
    Much love for you everyday
    Deb

Viewing 10 replies - 21 through 30 (of 40 total)
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