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Buried my son on xmas eve

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Home Forums Loss of a loved one Buried my son on xmas eve

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  • #20111
    Moon
    Participant

    Hello fellow community in mourning, I’m reaching out to other parents who have experienced the loss of a child, in the hope of shared support.
    The waiting list for counselling is so long, I’m drowning in sorrow meantime.
    I may not be able to offer much just yet as I’m deeply depressed but can promise to listen and empathise with each and all of your stories.

    To introduce myself, I am a mother of 4 (now 3) adult children. Recent empty-nester, was already struggling with the loneliness that entails.
    My nickname is Jezza, as that is how my friends’ called my 19yr old son Jeremy, who died on the 20th Dec just passed.

    Yes his death was unexpected, but we have all lived the last 9 years with baited breath as he experienced so many struggles in his short life, almost half of which was spent in and out of Westmead Childrens, more recently St Vincents’ Hospital. I’ll share a recap:

    My son was diagnosed with leukaemia when he was 10 yrs old. Had 18 months of intense chemo, total body irradiation, but sadly relapsed so needed a bone marrow transplant, which his twin sister was a good match for. Developped gvhd (rejection) of the lungs, needed to go on the transplant list. Gratefully had a double lung transplant last January, his health improved amazingly. Got back into skating, got a job, even his first girlfriend ! He was feeling so good, got sick of taking 30 meds per day, missed a couple for a day or two, thought he could catch up, but the rejection process of his new lungs was unstoppable and he died within 3 weeks. This was not meant to happen !!

    I’m really struggling with all the emotions that come with grief, coupled with longstanding depression being bipolar. One of the hardest is ‘mummy guilt’, wishing I could have prevented this. Insert swear words, covid meant less check-ups, hospital support and prevented me from visiting him and his twin sister. I could only hand home-cooked meals (as mums do) over the balcony. If, the forever, if ?!, he’d been living at home with me still, I could have supervised his medication maybe, but he was always so very diligent in taking them, no-one suspected he’d ever skip a few…?

    I want to support my daughter (just quietly – wished she moved back home) but she needs her space. She just moved from their shared apartment to a share house. She dropped off Jeremy’s clothes recently. Buried my head in them on their birthday last week. I sob all day long, it’s exhausting.

    From all my years in hospital, I find the best comfort with others who have similar experiences, so here’s hoping my story connects with someone. Thank you for listening XX

Viewing 10 replies - 71 through 80 (of 153 total)
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  • #20820
    debsayge
    Participant

    Dearest all weeping sisters reading, Dear Moon, I find I think of you often, sitting outside, even in the cold , like me I spend all day outside then just sit in my pool of tears, just like Alice, the mad hatters tea party looks like the rest of the world to me now. And we are still, like a rock I thought in a fast flowing torrent ….I know you sisters all get that….
    Yes I do have a partner (30yrs) how can I say!! He tries, we are so very different…. My life has been a devotional one to my children…they are all that’s ever made sense in a hurtful world….now nothing makes sense….I used to always have a move to make, life was just unfolding and it all just worked….I am outta moves, no idea what to do now…
    Hoping your days have been more peaceful since having to go out…
    So dear Moon I think of you while I’m sorta weeding
    Love strength to us all
    Xxx

    #20821
    debsayge
    Participant

    Dear Moon,
    Also, please know I’m with you in the tormenting wee hrs, as that’s when I’m often up eating wet bix (of all things) and full of sorrow !!! Just so as you know your not alone my dear friend
    Xx

    #20822
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi Deb, everyone, sorry again for the onslaught of video clips, you must all know by now that’s how I try to express my feelings often.
    So I had my doc’s appt on Monday, had to get a script today, decided to go a different local chemist, wasn’t up to the “how are you going look” from our usual pharmicist. But they remember my family history also, and asked how I was (script was for an anti-depressant hey). I’m glad I was the only one there because I could ask about safely disposing of all my sons cytoxic (cancer meds) plus the million others. There’s the most empathetic ‘take care of yourself’ look, I could only half smile back. What made my day was helping an elderly man almost fall just outside the chemist. I actually waited for him and helped him back into his car. I needed that gift of his 2 min banter to distract myself temporarily.
    My son’s father and I were divorced b4 the kids can remember, I know grief changes relationships, everything, and it’s very individual. Despite my loneliness, I’m kinda grateful I don’t have a relationship to tend to. I wouldn’t want to be around myself either sometimes, so I prefer to lie low yeah.
    Wish I could do weeding like you, but have physical issues, that limit me to balcony pot plants these days.
    Hey Deb, if not here, have you found a safe place to share yet (Hugs)

    #20841
    debsayge
    Participant

    Dear Moon and everyone listening,
    I like you am desperate to share with others who are in this horrible place…..here chatting to you I’m hoping to gain a little confidence to maybe write something small but as yet haven’t had a safe place to really share….I don’t have really anyone that I can as there’s no one holding us….if I do start talking I’ve found people run and never return….it’s a really lonely place isn’t it Moon….I walked out of my only therapy session as I was just too distressed, and she was young and I felt how could this person possibly grasp me….I feel like I still haven’t got past the very start of this horror, and still am oh my god what’s happened and where is my girl still maybe in shock….we had no!! Help during our nightmare and that trend has just continued….so here I can feel heard and here eventually I’ll write something and maybe talk to someone, how did your session go this week if you don’t mind sharing
    Love to you all
    XxDeb

    #20842
    Moon
    Participant

    Hey Deb, all here, another day of wandering from room to room staring at all the things I could/should do, but end up sitting on the back deck just staring into space, reminiscing. Can’t find the motivation, everything seems pointless as my son will never inhabit this house again. How does a mother live without her child ?
    I come here to be heard because I will never stop talking about my son, even though others’ no longer mention his name.
    Deb, I’d like to invite you to feel safe, here, I and others’ are listening and holding hands with you. To be honest, writing my thoughts down, in my own time, is my therapy. I don’t like face to face consults, and have put a pause on the telephone counselling as I found it too overwhelming. Brought up other losses and wounds I don’t have the strength to revisit, though I appreciate the space to talk about whatever I want to and not be judged. Maybe try it, if you find it hard to write.
    I got a 3rd reminder that my license has expired, no biggy, don’t have a car anyway, have been putting it off as I need to revert all my id back to my maiden name. Ok, been divorced for a very long time, but with 4 kids in school, one in and out of hospital for 10 years, wanted to keep the same surname, not to be mistaken for one of the many evil stepmum’s of my ex, if you understand. It will liberating, but also ? I don’t know, like a last nail in the coffin somehow…

    #20843
    debsayge
    Participant

    Dear Moon,
    Yes feel liberated as I totally get all that….yes I wander all day! Outside though as inside I feel incapable of doing the most basic things…Like you Sayge is Never out of my mind/heart, I find it troubling that the others (bless them) seem to be able to function sort of normally, makes me angry and sad to feel I’m the only emotional nightmare here….yes another day, it’s like torture over and over isn’t it, what’s my purpose now!! Feels like “doing time”,
    Love to you
    Speak again soon lovely people
    Xx

    #20844
    Moon
    Participant

    These movies were part of my son’s twin sister’s english extension exam, she couldn’t possibly know then, he wouldn’t survive.
    Maybe watch with your weet-bix in the early hours, with a tissue box beside xx

    #20845
    Moon
    Participant
    #20846
    Moon
    Participant
    #20847
    Moon
    Participant
Viewing 10 replies - 71 through 80 (of 153 total)
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