Buried my son on xmas eve

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  • #20111
    Moon
    Participant

    Hello fellow community in mourning, I’m reaching out to other parents who have experienced the loss of a child, in the hope of shared support.
    The waiting list for counselling is so long, I’m drowning in sorrow meantime.
    I may not be able to offer much just yet as I’m deeply depressed but can promise to listen and empathise with each and all of your stories.

    To introduce myself, I am a mother of 4 (now 3) adult children. Recent empty-nester, was already struggling with the loneliness that entails.
    My nickname is Jezza, as that is how my friends’ called my 19yr old son Jeremy, who died on the 20th Dec just passed.

    Yes his death was unexpected, but we have all lived the last 9 years with baited breath as he experienced so many struggles in his short life, almost half of which was spent in and out of Westmead Childrens, more recently St Vincents’ Hospital. I’ll share a recap:

    My son was diagnosed with leukaemia when he was 10 yrs old. Had 18 months of intense chemo, total body irradiation, but sadly relapsed so needed a bone marrow transplant, which his twin sister was a good match for. Developped gvhd (rejection) of the lungs, needed to go on the transplant list. Gratefully had a double lung transplant last January, his health improved amazingly. Got back into skating, got a job, even his first girlfriend ! He was feeling so good, got sick of taking 30 meds per day, missed a couple for a day or two, thought he could catch up, but the rejection process of his new lungs was unstoppable and he died within 3 weeks. This was not meant to happen !!

    I’m really struggling with all the emotions that come with grief, coupled with longstanding depression being bipolar. One of the hardest is ‘mummy guilt’, wishing I could have prevented this. Insert swear words, covid meant less check-ups, hospital support and prevented me from visiting him and his twin sister. I could only hand home-cooked meals (as mums do) over the balcony. If, the forever, if ?!, he’d been living at home with me still, I could have supervised his medication maybe, but he was always so very diligent in taking them, no-one suspected he’d ever skip a few…?

    I want to support my daughter (just quietly – wished she moved back home) but she needs her space. She just moved from their shared apartment to a share house. She dropped off Jeremy’s clothes recently. Buried my head in them on their birthday last week. I sob all day long, it’s exhausting.

    From all my years in hospital, I find the best comfort with others who have similar experiences, so here’s hoping my story connects with someone. Thank you for listening XX

Viewing 10 replies - 71 through 80 (of 142 total)
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  • #20821
    debsayge
    Participant

    Dear Moon,
    Also, please know I’m with you in the tormenting wee hrs, as that’s when I’m often up eating wet bix (of all things) and full of sorrow !!! Just so as you know your not alone my dear friend
    Xx

    #20820
    debsayge
    Participant

    Dearest all weeping sisters reading, Dear Moon, I find I think of you often, sitting outside, even in the cold , like me I spend all day outside then just sit in my pool of tears, just like Alice, the mad hatters tea party looks like the rest of the world to me now. And we are still, like a rock I thought in a fast flowing torrent ….I know you sisters all get that….
    Yes I do have a partner (30yrs) how can I say!! He tries, we are so very different…. My life has been a devotional one to my children…they are all that’s ever made sense in a hurtful world….now nothing makes sense….I used to always have a move to make, life was just unfolding and it all just worked….I am outta moves, no idea what to do now…
    Hoping your days have been more peaceful since having to go out…
    So dear Moon I think of you while I’m sorta weeding
    Love strength to us all
    Xxx

    #20800
    Moon
    Participant
    #20799
    Moon
    Participant
    #20798
    Moon
    Participant
    #20797
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi Deb, everyone here, hugs. I’ve thought twice about replying here tonight as I’m in a bad mood and would never want to inflict on others.
    But then I thought ( or my son whispered in my ear ) I might need this safe place to express. I definately over-stretched my limitations today by having 2 long overdue medical appts, I can only handle a quick supermarket shop once a fortnight ok. I could feel the tension rising, I basically ran home to turn up the music full blast so the neighbours wouldn’t hear me cry. Oh, yes, living in constant fear is all I’ve known, for the last 10 years, but he did actually die. I think I rather dread, than fear another tomorrow, feels like there’s nothing to look forward to ever again. I hate the hours between 2-5am the most, no matter how early I go to bed, I’m wide awake, staring at the ceiling, sobbing, just quietly, cause got a fat ginger cat snoring beside me. Hey Deb, you haven’t mentioned a partner, do you an animal you can cuddle at night?

    #20795
    debsayge
    Participant

    Ohh moon and dear friends listening, thank you so much for the encouragement ….so sorry to you all for being here!!! Moon your darling Jezza anniversary was on my birthday!!! The enduring of it coming up then having to get through it was extremely painful (for the 2nd time) I’ve been sooo distressed and feel like so alone without Sayge,we always had a tradition of so much (gifts lovingly made, h/made cards full of beauty n giving Mumma always spoiled) I had a couple of friends who tried to be there, and we’re but I just feel like I’m on the outside looking in, then they go back to normal life !! Lucky them…..
    Do you struggle with fear Moon? Or anyone, I’m afraid of everything now, can’t cope with anything at all really, I’m sorry to admit my gentle quiet nature has been wracked by this whole thing….do you too feel like your whole life all you’ve put in to create a beautiful small family has been just shattered….and where did that come from and what can we possibly learn here…so sudden I feel like we were on a runaway train so fast so frightening, my Sayge so gentle caring thoughtful what for…
    I wanted to tell you ( we home learned) Sayge was learning French, with (like everything) such dedication….she also played the piano beautifully so amazing…. For you music lady, I so appreciate your music language but I actually can’t listen to anything, it’s all to painful…but I’m glad you can do that for you and it helps….
    I feel you are a brave lady Moon, sharing as you do, going through such hell with your beautiful boy…I am here with you all
    Fears and all, most times I can hardly move, please share about this…
    Love and strength to us all to make it though another excruciating day, too much to bare, too much is lost
    XxDeb

    #20783
    Moon
    Participant

    Sorry I’m having a nostalgic moment, my sons father and I lived in France b4 he was born, I still love the music, sorry

    #20781
    Moon
    Participant
    #20780
    Moon
    Participant

    Don’t need to translate this yeah

Viewing 10 replies - 71 through 80 (of 142 total)
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