Call 1300 845 745

8am to 8pm: Mon-Fri (AEST)

Buried my son on xmas eve

Resize text-+=

Home Forums Loss of a loved one Buried my son on xmas eve

  • Creator
    Topic
  • #20111
    Moon
    Participant

    Hello fellow community in mourning, I’m reaching out to other parents who have experienced the loss of a child, in the hope of shared support.
    The waiting list for counselling is so long, I’m drowning in sorrow meantime.
    I may not be able to offer much just yet as I’m deeply depressed but can promise to listen and empathise with each and all of your stories.

    To introduce myself, I am a mother of 4 (now 3) adult children. Recent empty-nester, was already struggling with the loneliness that entails.
    My nickname is Jezza, as that is how my friends’ called my 19yr old son Jeremy, who died on the 20th Dec just passed.

    Yes his death was unexpected, but we have all lived the last 9 years with baited breath as he experienced so many struggles in his short life, almost half of which was spent in and out of Westmead Childrens, more recently St Vincents’ Hospital. I’ll share a recap:

    My son was diagnosed with leukaemia when he was 10 yrs old. Had 18 months of intense chemo, total body irradiation, but sadly relapsed so needed a bone marrow transplant, which his twin sister was a good match for. Developped gvhd (rejection) of the lungs, needed to go on the transplant list. Gratefully had a double lung transplant last January, his health improved amazingly. Got back into skating, got a job, even his first girlfriend ! He was feeling so good, got sick of taking 30 meds per day, missed a couple for a day or two, thought he could catch up, but the rejection process of his new lungs was unstoppable and he died within 3 weeks. This was not meant to happen !!

    I’m really struggling with all the emotions that come with grief, coupled with longstanding depression being bipolar. One of the hardest is ‘mummy guilt’, wishing I could have prevented this. Insert swear words, covid meant less check-ups, hospital support and prevented me from visiting him and his twin sister. I could only hand home-cooked meals (as mums do) over the balcony. If, the forever, if ?!, he’d been living at home with me still, I could have supervised his medication maybe, but he was always so very diligent in taking them, no-one suspected he’d ever skip a few…?

    I want to support my daughter (just quietly – wished she moved back home) but she needs her space. She just moved from their shared apartment to a share house. She dropped off Jeremy’s clothes recently. Buried my head in them on their birthday last week. I sob all day long, it’s exhausting.

    From all my years in hospital, I find the best comfort with others who have similar experiences, so here’s hoping my story connects with someone. Thank you for listening XX

Viewing 10 replies - 121 through 130 (of 149 total)
  • Author
    Replies
  • #21323
    debsayge
    Participant

    Dear Moon,
    For being your authentic self I’m grateful, yes yes!! Seeing you and walking right there with you!! Me too !! Been sobbing/wailing to exhaustion…. Yes I m right there with the no family it’s always been a struggle because they are there but have never!! Accepted us being not !! Conventional Even though I’ve always tried, not anymore….. both my father and brother have not ! Even acknowledged this, Sometimes I’m worrying with what I say might not be comforting as I’ve been in this almost a year longer, I remember when my ‘compassionate friend’ said after ‘years’ she was still struggling I thought omgosh I’m gonna be like this forever, but now I understand and accept I will be, we’ll I don’t know what I understand! or accept!as it feels like a sorrowful soup I’m drowning in here….like you Sandy spent every moment with Sayge, never!! leaving her side, even hid in the shower (slept there with our walkie talkies) when during the worst of virus time they refused to let me stay…..we have always everyday been together since her birth, always slept together too, I can’t cope at all with this loss, enduring this existence without her is so beyond me and what! Enduring this alone!! Yes I agree stuff you all that have turned away from us in our time of desperation, it’s only here! That I can feel safe now with you all…..
    Much love Sandy I’m sitting by your side
    XxDeb

    #21324
    Moon
    Participant

    just climbed up the old gum tree me and my kids grew up with and just shouted at the top of my voice, my child is dead !!!!!!!\
    swear words included sorry but f u, your dogs bark all night, so I howled like one until they brought them in. I can howl louder than any dog in the entire suburb, wanna hear me ? I do it all day, everyday, with no relent in sight. I don’t want to be here anymore

    #21326
    debsayge
    Participant

    Yes that’s real and real, Loving smashing howls of love for you and to you….holding you close dear friend ….I hear you….me either!!
    XxxxxxDeb

    #21328
    Moon
    Participant
    #21329
    Moon
    Participant

    Sorry, my friend this to me, all respect to all religions , doesn’t help me, but might others xx

    #21330
    debsayge
    Participant

    So much love and heartfelt care tonight dear Sandy
    XxDeb

    #21340
    Moon
    Participant

    Hiya, got a an old ginger cat staring at me, turn the music down, give me a warm lap right now.
    I will soon, just need to catch my breath first, sorry, crying is exhausting and I need some escape from my head.
    This house was always full of music, the sound of childrens’ laughter, he’s just forgotten, but I have not.
    A friend of mine called today (mother of my sons best friend) she just got back from a well-deserved holiday,
    looking forward to having a virtual holiday via her photos. I enjoyed having a little chat, feel less invisible.
    But the ‘ how are you ? ” well I cry all day, everyday, wouldn’t you if your baby died ?
    There is no relief from this ever, I’m just trying to be a good human being, before we meet again xxx

    #21341
    Moon
    Participant
    #21342
    debsayge
    Participant

    Dearest Moon,
    Glad you posted, I was getting fretful for you my friend and came on to send you a msg….to say thank you for helping me so much, it’s so hard to tell though I wanted to let you! Know how important you are at this horrible time….I too had a visit today from my Sayge’s best friends mumma (most loyal) known them since our girls were tiny, so yes felt less invisible too….she does not ask the stupid how are you, just loving hugs and is very gentle with me, sensible enough not to tell me what her girl is doing! I know I couldn’t cope…..yes I understand and second that all this wailing is soooo exhausting, I so upset my throat is feeling like it’s made from iron….
    You Sandy and Jeramy are never!! Forgotten….
    Just wish I could pick up the ph and call you!!!
    We could cry and talk about our beloveds, mostly cry I say….
    Please keep talking we need each other
    Love to you
    XxDeb

    #21343
    Moon
    Participant
Viewing 10 replies - 121 through 130 (of 149 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
Scroll to Top

Subscribe to our newsletter

Enter your details to stay up to date with our news and programs. You can unsubscribe at any time.
  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.