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Buried my son on xmas eve

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  • #20111
    Moon
    Participant

    Hello fellow community in mourning, I’m reaching out to other parents who have experienced the loss of a child, in the hope of shared support.
    The waiting list for counselling is so long, I’m drowning in sorrow meantime.
    I may not be able to offer much just yet as I’m deeply depressed but can promise to listen and empathise with each and all of your stories.

    To introduce myself, I am a mother of 4 (now 3) adult children. Recent empty-nester, was already struggling with the loneliness that entails.
    My nickname is Jezza, as that is how my friends’ called my 19yr old son Jeremy, who died on the 20th Dec just passed.

    Yes his death was unexpected, but we have all lived the last 9 years with baited breath as he experienced so many struggles in his short life, almost half of which was spent in and out of Westmead Childrens, more recently St Vincents’ Hospital. I’ll share a recap:

    My son was diagnosed with leukaemia when he was 10 yrs old. Had 18 months of intense chemo, total body irradiation, but sadly relapsed so needed a bone marrow transplant, which his twin sister was a good match for. Developped gvhd (rejection) of the lungs, needed to go on the transplant list. Gratefully had a double lung transplant last January, his health improved amazingly. Got back into skating, got a job, even his first girlfriend ! He was feeling so good, got sick of taking 30 meds per day, missed a couple for a day or two, thought he could catch up, but the rejection process of his new lungs was unstoppable and he died within 3 weeks. This was not meant to happen !!

    I’m really struggling with all the emotions that come with grief, coupled with longstanding depression being bipolar. One of the hardest is ‘mummy guilt’, wishing I could have prevented this. Insert swear words, covid meant less check-ups, hospital support and prevented me from visiting him and his twin sister. I could only hand home-cooked meals (as mums do) over the balcony. If, the forever, if ?!, he’d been living at home with me still, I could have supervised his medication maybe, but he was always so very diligent in taking them, no-one suspected he’d ever skip a few…?

    I want to support my daughter (just quietly – wished she moved back home) but she needs her space. She just moved from their shared apartment to a share house. She dropped off Jeremy’s clothes recently. Buried my head in them on their birthday last week. I sob all day long, it’s exhausting.

    From all my years in hospital, I find the best comfort with others who have similar experiences, so here’s hoping my story connects with someone. Thank you for listening XX

Viewing 10 replies - 101 through 110 (of 149 total)
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  • #21176
    Moon
    Participant
    #21177
    Moon
    Participant
    #21178
    Moon
    Participant
    #21214
    debsayge
    Participant

    Hi Dear Moon
    We are all here to support one another and it gives me hope to just be! with you ….it’s so lovely that you said you can share some compassion with others, and I see you doing that so much here and you know Moon to do that is no small thing! So we’re all grateful to you, that must be a strength you hold….
    How were you yesterday as I’ve had a few contacts with people who yest struggled harder than other days? I sure did! Sobbing and hopeless all day and exhausted, I finally wrote a post here that I felt sort of allowed me to say something without going into the horrors we al here know too well, I just can’t do that!! but it felt right for me but gee I was a wreak doing it so so painful and through many many tears so scared putting ourselves out!there! But like you just so desperate for understanding….I think I’ve opened the flood gates though as today I’ve been just so upset with all the promises from “caring” people that come to nothing I’ve had enough so sent a few msgs out….it comes n goes that anger with others most times I just feel like you say, given up on any support from others….
    So I wanted also to mention again the association the compassionate friends for you as they have a magazine which comes and they do have quite a lot to offer, I did have one lady who came to see us and although she’s so wonderful (she travels quite a way) her husband is now suffering that horrible thing our beautiful children had so I don’t wanna worry her too much….
    Also yes thank you last night on our puppy walk around the property a big white owl sitting in a pine tree (I love pines and always sit under them) just looking right at me….thank you darling heart I’ll keep watching for your signs
    Lots of love, always with you
    Gosh long msg!!
    Debxxx

    #21219
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi Deb, I read your post, “fiere de toi” to have the courage to write. I know it’s not easy, but I hope you continue to feel safe to share.
    Merde, 6 months today I buried my son. I’ve been watching the funeral service on replay all day.
    His twin sister organised a ‘gathering’ with all their friends at the local on Monday night, I was a quarter tempted to gatecrash just to feel the vibe of young people.
    All what my son is missing out on… oh how I want to ‘have a d&m chat’ with him like we used to, right now.
    Instead, I’ll keep posting here, where I hope to be heard and understood, because it’s so …. lonely in this unbearable grief.
    Deb, I think I mentioned before how I let go of expectations from family or friends a very long time ago. Save yourself the heartache, they cannot get it.
    Find compassion in nature, music, or a random smile to an elderly person, that you can always count on yeah.
    I’m really interested in this magazine etc of compassionate friends, can you share a link I wonder? Much love Sandy

    #21220
    debsayge
    Participant

    Hi dear Sandy,
    Lovely to meet you! And thankyou for your trust!! I can feel it’s just been such a heart wrenching time for you and I’m starting to get that our dreadful pain is our unbounded deep love for our children, such pain, it’s unfathomable for anyone but us here to grasp…..Your so right! I really can’t expect any good to come from anyone I already know, especially family, I’ll just stay at my weeding and with our dear animal friends and Archer of course…so I don’t know how to link things so I can tell you if you look up http://www.compassionate friends.au.com you can navigate for your area, I hope that’s a little helpful…
    So I decided to look up Joanne cacciatore talks and she has quite a lot to listen too, I feel comforted that she really gets this and like Greivingmum will get her book, so far besides the compassionate mag I’ve not been able to read anything, and I’ll listen too more of her talks…
    I also looked up talks on and he loss of a child from parents and found a talk by penny (forgot last. Name) it was a ted talk and found her raw honesty comforting…if I find anything else shall keep you in mind….
    I love your empathy
    I love your raw beauty
    Grateful for your friendship here
    XxMuch love Deb

    #21221
    Moon
    Participant

    “Suffering endured becomes compassion expressed. Grieving becomes giving.”
    ― Joanne Cacciatore, Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief
    Hey Deb, everyone, think I might buy her book also, she speaks a language I understand, and that’s why I’m here and will remain.
    When I first posted here, it was in the hope of finding a safe place to express and much needed solidarity, which I found. Thank you.
    I’m glad you also find comfort in nature, the birds sing us a song every morning and eve for a reason xx

    #21225
    Moon
    Participant

    Listening to his service songs again xx

    #21226
    Moon
    Participant
    #21227
    Moon
    Participant
Viewing 10 replies - 101 through 110 (of 149 total)
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