Reply To: Lost my mum before we made amends

[debsayge]

Hello Dear Indigo
Deb responding (my sweet Sayge),
Oh Indigo please receive the most caring heartfelt embrace, that’s all reaching me in a lonely painful place, I so empathise, your woeful tale is an echo to me, of my own pain filled life of being the black sheep…..losing your mother in this way at this time for you, just heart wrenching, may I say though no fault of yours, you’ve always tried, you are and have been a light that they can’t stand along side, I know this feeling so well, always (I’m 59 now) going back to try to make amends, I too sent cards and pleas many many heartfelt attempts, over all these many years which were heartlessly returned in bundles and all unopened as well…..however in the meantime raising my small family making a wonderfilled life for us full of love and care, which id never known, all I knew was being cut off and criticised cruelly put down, ignored, over looked, certainly not what they wanted etc etc, you know what it’s like, if I didn’t make contact nothing ever happened. My family has been really cruel neglectful to me for so long and like you I’m also a very caring compassionate person who never wanted to give up on the healing of that, always and always to my detriment…..my father , brother (with his own now dysfunctional family of 4 girls), have not even acknowledged our tragedy…..my mother is as cold as ice with no empathy , they are all estranged from each other …… long time….
Thank you VMIris for adding the quote about finding the logical people, that’s what I did with my children and partner, though what now! Losing my Sweet Sayge, Indigo my life makes no sense …. I feel this loss of our Sayge has finally drawn the line which I will never cross again, but then there’s mum !!who always been unwell and I’m there helping her, sleeping over and holding her in bed, just the stuff around that’s needed….doing her garden etc, .even though she’s always made it clear I’m not important at all, wishes she’d never had me! as even in her fragility now (she’s only 75) just like you still feeling so so hurt at the mistreatment but still finding it in our hearts to love, I have no expectations anymore,but this cold fragile falling apart physically mother of mine, after never ever a word of comfort, acknowledgement, encouragement, or I love you, and I mean ever!!!! Said to me last week I’ve always been filled with so much volatility toward you and I’ve been so jealous of you!!! My response was a feeling of shock, but said nothing, which I now feel was the best response, she’s always been told by me she’s loved…..
The trouble is as I see it the damage has been immense for daughters like us, however I say to you (and myself) just keep loving, I pray everyday, please help me keep my bleeding heart open (not religious but there’s got to be a higher good, beyond what we can ever know)somehow, some way our immense capacity to live and love deeply may just get us through, I hope you don’t mind me sharing, it felt important to share some of my back story, to help you feel seen and so understood.
I wish I could hold you while we cry……you my dear friend are never alone, not anymore.
XxDeb