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Hi there Debsayge,
Thank you for taking the time to read my post as well as share some of your situation. I am so sorry for your loss. I’m so sorry that she passed at such a young age and perhaps this something we can both understand..I keep thinking about how my parents will never get to meet their grandchildren (if I have any one day) and how I will never get my father walking me down the aisle or having that first dance with him. I know it must be hard thinking of the moments you didn’t get to have with your daughter and I’m sure just like me perhaps you feel robbed in some way.
Thank you for saying I am strong but I want to keep repeating why does everybody keep saying that? I don’t see that in myself I just see a failure. I also didn’t do enough for my mother and father I should have done more and I have a lot of guilt over that. My father was about to retire himself and he had worked so hard all his life to provide the best of what he could for our family. I can never understand why that happened to them when they were due some good karma, they were good honest people.
I hope nobody minds me sharing this but when my father was in hospital he asked me for one of those blankets they keep in the little heating cupboards so they are warm as he was cold, and I couldn’t find any and the nurses were all busy (he was in a small ward with other patients sadly fighting time as well so there weren’t many nurses around) and had to go back to his room watching him shiver and apologise that I couldn’t find them and we would have to wait for a nurse. After he passed I kept having the same repeating dream where I was in the hospital with him and he asks me for the blanket and by the time I come back to apologise the nurses are there and they turned to me and would say “you didn’t get the blanket in time, so he died” and all I can hear is the beeeeep. I would have that almost every night. It’s like I just can’t forgive myself for the little things let alone any big ones. I mean it wasn’t little I had to watch him shiver and be in pain until the nurse finally came. These dreams would repeat over and over and then they stopped and I thought things were getting better but just recently I have started having them again. They feel so real and it scares me.
Thank you once again and my condolences to you. I am sending a virtual hug to you. xx