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Reply To: Buried my son on xmas eve

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Home Forums Loss of a loved one Buried my son on xmas eve Reply To: Buried my son on xmas eve

#20272
Moon
Participant

Hello griefline community, I don’t really know who might be reading this, but thank you for listening. I’m wondering who might be joining the online support group in May ?
Perhaps we already know a bit about each other ?. I want to offer solidarity to everyone carrying this burden, in whatever place you might be right now…
I’m so grateful for Kerrie for contacting me, making me feel welcome, when I’ve never even done a video chat, bit of a tech dinosaur, will have a practice first ok.
Yeah, there’s a long list of things I should do, like contacting the guys who “fixed” my roof, but still emptying buckets daily, like too many of us.
I just don’t have the emotional energy to write professional emails, getting messages about utility bills increasing, can’t deal with right now.
I’m not avoiding responsibilities, got leeway, just need the right frame of mind when to address. Which is not today.
There’s a post here under ‘grieving mothers’ that I can’t help but re-read over and over again. She words my emotions so succintly. I cry in acknowledgement each and every time (100’s) I read it. I believe everyone here can relate to those words. I wanted to share it with my handful of friends, but shy it was too much, like I didn’t appreciate their support, but at the same time needed to explain where I’m at. The tears are still unrelenting, my whole – half being is ? I don’t know..
For 9 years I slept beside my youngest child (well his twin sister is 6 mins younger) throughout all his cancer treatments, surrounded by trusted nurses and docs, starlight foundation, redkite, canteen, etc, sucks that he died as a teenager in an very adult, elderly ward, alone. Yes alone..
Still struggling with this as my son held my hand when the doctors told him he had hours/days to live, and asked me to beside his side , we squeezed hands and I said I’ll never leave your side., but my ex turned off the oxygen against our wishes, when I was in ‘that room’ comforting his sibings.
Not being ‘allowed’ insert swear words, when my baby wanted me beside him, is not something I can ever come to terms with. Just not possible.
But I am willing to honour you and myself for all our moments shared, so I’ll try to keep on sharing the wonder of your short life xxx

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