Dear @Kawi, welcome to the forums. Our hearts go out to you – losing your mum is so incredibly painful. We are glad that you have reached out to the community now that you feel ready to speak about your grief experience. By sharing your story you will hopefully find that there are others who empathise and have a similar experience. Nobody should go through grief alone…as grief expert David Kessler says “we are not meant to be islands of grief…we need our grief to be seen and heard.”
We are glad that you have good support through your psychiatrist and also medical support for your depression… but you are wondering if this is a short-term solution… considering you are in active grief right now we suggest let yourself do whatever brings you peace and allows you to function as close to normal as possible. Don’t expect too much from yourself and practice self-compassion.
There may also be some other coping strategies available to you which will help you to start processing your loss;
You mention not being able to attend your mum’s funeral and we are sorry this happened to you. Funerals and memorials are important rituals for saying goodbye. So, missing out on this can compound your grief. Maybe you could consider planning and carrying out your own ritual for saying goodbye?…perhaps you could write something about your mum & your special connection, read these words out during a little private ceremony all your own… you could plant a tree or flower; send a wreath/bunch of flowers out into the sea; set up a little shrine with some candles and a picture of your mum (if you can bear looking at the photo); invite a family member/friend or even a group of people that knew and loved your mum to share their stories as well your own (this can be on zoom if you are separated by distance) etc. Any one of these ideas or something more personal to you may help to give you some closure around your mum’s passing. And allow you to take on some other coping strategies to help process the grief like the ones listed in our ‘Coping with Grief’ article here on the Griefline resource hub; https://griefline.org.au/resources/understanding-the-symptoms-of-grief/
You also ask how to fill the gap and unfortunately, nothing nor no-one can ever fill the gap your mum leaves because she was so very special to you. Instead, we refer to Tonkin’s model of ‘growing around grief’ which suggests that though the grief stays with you, you can find ways for your life to grow around it and get bigger like meeting new people, trying new things, going to new places etc. We imagine your mum would really hope that you are able to do this. You’ll find some really good info on this concept here; https://whatsyourgrief.com/growing-around-grief/
We hope that you’ll take a look at these resources and let us know how you are travelling. We are here for you. 🌸