Im sorry to hear about your grandma’s passing. It sounds like you didnt get the closure you needed. Even though youve finally interpreted those scribbles on her medical record, its like its not enough.
I relate to that feeling of not getting closure. My mum passed several years ago but i have no idea why. She was young, strong, but she had a fever which wouldn’t go away and two weeks after being admitted to the hospital, she was gone. As the years pass, i sometimes wonder if my recollection is still as accurate.
I have saught therapy and learnt soooo much about grief and trauma but this feeling of loss never goes away. She is gone. Thats the ultimate truth.
Sigh. Idk if this helps you, but know that you are not alone and Im sorry that you experienced this pain. I wish non of us did. If it helps to share more about your grandma and your thoughts and feelings, please feel free to. Sending you courage.