I have turned to this forum to try to find a way through the sadness and loss of interest in life that I am feeling since my sister D died on 12 October 2020. She was in England, where I am from, and died of breast cancer having been through awful treatment since January 2019. I went over twice in that time, and had booked to be in England for months in 2020 to be with her, and my mum who is 93 next week and alone in aged care. Then in March 2020, COVID hit, and my sister called to say the cancer was in her liver. I knew what that meant. I packed a bag as borders were closing, but it was too late. I couldn’t travel there without getting locked out of Australia (I would still be there now). D had to shield for months as she was having chemo, going to hospital on her own, with no visitors, no comfort. In July 2020 we had a conversation, that her life, was not a life anymore. The side effects of treatment were so terrible. She said she wanted to stop treatment, and I said I totally agreed. When she died, I couldn’t get to the funeral but watched via Zoom. It was beautiful and seeing the wicker coffin made it real. I broke at that moment. However it is still so surreal to me that she isn’t there – that I won’t see her again when I can eventually get over there. Our mum doesn’t know that D has died: it would be too traumatic for her and she has dementia so would most likely not remember, but suffer all the same. It is such a sad, sad situation and I am desperate to feel OK. Some day/s are OK and then suddenly I find myself crying in a shop, or just so, so tired. I think it will help to express how I feel as I don’t have a lot of support here in Australia.